


And When You Finally Fly Away

by ohbullship



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Cancer, Character Death, Death, M/M, One Shot, Sad, True Love, one direction - Freeform, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 08:59:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1118009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohbullship/pseuds/ohbullship
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn is dying. Liam doesn’t think love should hurt this much. Niall wonders why bad things happen to good people. Louis knows all the secrets. And Harry is wise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And When You Finally Fly Away

**Author's Note:**

> i apologize for any errors and any tears  
> based off of rod stewart's 'forever young' xx

  “How bad is it today?” Liam asks as he places a gentle kiss to Zayn’s sweaty forehead. He looks absolutely exhausted. Liam takes his normal seat in the chair beside Zayn’s hospital bed and tries his best to smile.

            “Seven.” Zayn whispers, giving him a grimace.

            “Better than yesterday then?” Zayn nods and moves his hand slowly to find Liam’s long fingers. The curl around gently and Liam holds on as tight as he can.

            “And how are you today?” Liam grins softly because it’s so fucking like Zayn to ask how someone else is when he’s lying here in a hospital room barely able to move a fucking inch.

            “Better than you.” He goes for something light-hearted and is rewarded with Zayn’s toothy smile.

            “So are a lot of people, babe.”

            “And you’re still better looking than the lot of them.”

            “I knew you were only with me for my looks.” Zayn gestures down at himself. Pale cheeks on olive skin, bags under his eyes, hair in a frenzy, and his bones almost showing from all the weight he’s lost and Liam still thinks he’s the most beautiful person on the planet. Liam laughs gently and covers his mouth as if he’s disturbing something. “Li, you can laugh. Jesus, please laugh. There is not enough of that around here.” Zayn wishes more people had a laugh as loud and bubbly as Liam’s. It might actually make being in this plain white hospital room 24/7 worth it.

            He’ll never understand why they don’t paint hospital walls. Fuck, if he has to stare at the goddamn thing every day while he waits to die it should at least be colorful.

            “Do you need anything?” Liam asks after a while of silence and gentle kisses to the palm of Zayn’s hand or up his arm.

            “I could go for some water, yeah.” Zayn’s long since given up on trying not to be needy because dammit, he fucking  _is_  needy. He can hardly get to the bathroom on his own.

            “I’ll be right back then.” Liam reassures. He gives Zayn a look as if to reassure his reassurance. He doesn’t like when he has to leave Zayn’s side but Zayn asked him for something and he can’t deny him anything in the world. He pushes his lips against Zayn’s as light as he can and heads out the door.

            Louis is there. Ten o’clock on the dot. He’s never been late a day in his life and Liam hopes that never changes. He puts a smile on Zayn’s face every day. And Liam appreciates that he waits outside or knocks because he really does cherish his alone time with Z.

            “How is he?” Louis braces himself for the answer with tight lips and white knuckles.

            “He says he’s feeling better today.”

            “Good. I’ll keep your seat warm.”

            “What’s on the agenda today?”

            “I brought Batman to watch.”

            “He’ll like that.”

            “So will you, Li.” Louis says knowingly. Liam cracks a smile before continuing down the hall and Louis pokes his head in the door.

            “Hey Lou!” Zayn’s eyes light up and Louis smiles a bit smugly. That’s his best mate and Louis likes to be the one to make him have a genuine smile on his face, even if he’s dying.

            “Alright, first things first.” Louis says as he takes a seat at the foot of the bed. “How are you feeling today?” Zayn hates this question. He’s asked it multiple times a day and it’s just getting old. He hates having to give a number on a scale from one to ten because what is the scale based off of? Physical pain? How close he is to death? Emotional pain from constantly hurting the people he loves most in this world? But he often gives a smaller answer than what he really feels. Except, not for Louis. Louis always gets the honest answer. And he never tells.

            “Nine.”

            “And what did you tell Liam?” Louis also knows that Zayn lies to Liam about this the most because Liam would be worried sick if he was ever told Zayn was a nine. He probably wouldn’t even go home or to class or the fucking  _bathroom_. He wouldn’t leave Zayn’s goddamn side.

            “Seven.”

            “You’ve got to stop lying to him. He needs to know.”

            “I know he does but—“

            “—but nothing. Zaynie, don’t you think he deserves to know that you’re a nine? Don’t you think he deserves to know that you might not make it through the night?”

            “He  _does_  know.”

            Zayn tried to end things with Liam when he found out about his cancer. He was in the twenty percentile for chance of living and he didn’t want Liam to have to go through the grief. But Harry was the one who convinced him that it wouldn’t do any good.

             _“Z, dumping Liam isn’t going to do anything but cut the number of days you have left with him. He’s still going to go through the grief and heartbreak and everything that you’re trying to save him from. He wants to be with you. He loves you.”_

_“I hate this fucking cancer.”_

_“We all do, Zaynie, we all do.”_

            Harry was very wise and he thanks God that he didn’t let him break up with Liam because he would’ve given up a long time ago. But he did sit down with Liam—when he was still able to stand and walk and do all those things that healthy people do—and tell him that he was probably going to die. And Liam cried and held onto Zayn and told him that it didn’t matter and that he still loved him and would continue to and ‘please don’t break up with me’ and all the things Zayn will never forget. But he knew, he knew that at any point, Zayn may die. And he still chose to stick around and visit every single day and make him laugh and kiss him after he’s been sick.

            “You’re alright, mate.” Louis said giving Zayn a quick hug. “God I wish I could mean that in your health.” Sometimes they have these days—the ones where everyone is scared and hurting and just say what they’re feeling through tears that don’t want to be shed—and it was always worse when it was Louis.

            “Take care of him, yeah?” Zayn said so quietly Louis almost didn’t hear him. He knows damn well what he means. He means when he’s dead and even though they are all very aware that it can happen at any moment, Louis won’t let him think like that because then he might give up and if he gives up then so will his body.

            “ _You_  take care of him.” Louis snaps. “He’s your boyfriend.” He adds half-heartedly trying to fix his outburst.  He shoots an apologetic look at Zayn who just nods and lies back down.

            “Lou, you know I might not be around for that.” And Louis likes the word ‘might’ a lot better than ‘won’t’ so he just nods.

            “I’ve got him.”

            “Thanks, Lou, you’re the best.”

            “Yeah, I know. Now, time for a movie.”

            They had just pressed play on the title screen when Liam came back in with a wide—also obviously forced smile—and a bottle of water.

            “Brought you some skittles too. Figured you might want something sweet.”

            “M’but I’ve already got you.” Zayn says lightly causing Liam to have a more genuine smile placed across his face.

            “Always will.” Liam says. He plants a kiss to Zayn’s cheek before snuggling into the small hospital bed with him. Zayn’s cold despite the sweat glistening on his forehead so Liam pulls his favourite blanket up to his chest and gently pushes Zayn’s head onto his shoulder. Louis sits in the chair next to them watching the movie and turning towards Zayn every few moments to make sure he’s still alive. It’s a nasty habit but he doesn’t know what he’d do if it just happened suddenly.

            It’s times like these when Liam feels like this is almost normal. They’re watching a film and cuddling close and exchanging subtle kisses every few minutes. Louis is there cracking jokes when he can and Liam still gets butterflies every time Zayn smiles at him. He runs his fingers through Zayn’s raven black hair and kisses his head a few too many times—it’s not his fault though, he might not get that many chances—and Zayn squeezes his fingers weakly. It all seems normal until the side of the hospital bed becomes uncomfortable on his side and they have to shift and Zayn can barely move himself. Liam lifts him carefully and lies him down across his lap before pushing a ‘sorry I hurt your fragile body’ kiss to his forehead.

*

            “I think I’m gonna head home. Call me when you get back, just so I know. And if anything else happens I expect to be the first to get a call.” Louis whispers before placing a soft kiss to Zayn’s cheekbone and giving Liam a tight hug around the waist and walking out the door. Sometimes he feels guilty about leaving. He doesn’t like to leave Zayn there and he sure as hell doesn’t want Liam to be alone if it happens. But Zayn’s parents will be there soon after work and then Liam will spend a while with them before leaving. And he  _has_  to go. Zayn complains almost daily about how they give up their whole lives to watch him rot. But I think they all agree that watching him rot is a lot better than him rotting by himself.

            “I love you, Zayn Malik.” Liam whispers into the still air. Once, in the beginning, when Zayn had fallen asleep, he had to call the nurses because he was almost sure that was the end, but they reassured him that he was fine. Ever since then, Liam’s pressed his head to Zayn’s chest and felt the rise and fall as he listened to his heartbeat and he practiced what he’d say to Zayn if he was gone forever. “More than anything. And if I could take your place, I would. You know bloody well that I would. There’s not a lot that I wouldn’t do for you.” He takes a moment to wipe his eyes and breathe deeply before continuing. “You’re the bravest man I know. You. You surprise me every day. You smile through the pain and the sadness and you’re still able to crack jokes even when everything is getting worse. You just amaze me, Zaynie. I wouldn’t change this. Not for anything. Because it’s you. And even if you’re sick, you’re still you. And you’re mine. And love shouldn’t hurt this much but it wouldn’t be love if it wasn’t you.”

            He runs his fingers up and down Zayn’s arms for a while—softly humming or singing—until his parents and sisters are filing in.

            “Thanks for being here, Liam.” Zayn’s mum says as she pulls him into a tight embrace and kisses his cheek. “You mean so much to him. And us.” She adds quietly.

            His dad is next. He’s not much of a hugger but it’s just one of those days—the ones towards the end are always the worst—and he pats Liam’s back through the hug.

            “I thank God for you every day, kid.” He thanks Zayn’s father although he’s not quite sure what he’s thanking him for but it doesn’t matter. He presses gentle kisses to Doniya and Waliyha’s cheeks. Safaa is last. He lifts her up and holds her with his strong arms before kissing her eyelids.

            “Don’t cry, babe, he’s alright.”

            “For now.” She whimpers into his chest.

            “Save your tears for the bad days.” He says with a smile even though he himself was crying just moments ago. She smiles and gives him a wet kiss to the cheek before scampering down his torso and to the ground. He waves goodbye and walks out the door.

            He really hates leaving Zayn. Because something can happen. And it might. And Liam wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he wasn’t there and couldn’t say goodbye to his beloved Zayn. He just misses having Zayn curled up in a ball next to him. He misses having to tug the blankets back to his side so he can keep warm. He misses waking up to pancakes and little doodles of himself left all over the dorm by Z. He just misses having him home. If he could have anything in the world it would be to have Zayn next to him when he wakes up in the morning to plant a kiss on his head and whisper that he’s a sleepy head and is going to be late for class.

            He calls Louis once he gets in. Tells him that Zayn was asleep when he left and he grabbed the movie that Lou forgot there. And Louis tells him not to worry too much and he’ll see him tomorrow after class—oh, right, he has a class tomorrow morning so he won’t see him first thing—and that Niall wants to know if he can visit and also that Harry has been begging Louis to bring him along for the last week and a half. Liam agrees to picking Niall up and says goodnight to Louis before thanking him (again he doesn’t really know what he’s thanking him for but he still feels obligated to say it).

            After he hangs up the phone he walks passed Zayn’s room. They slept in the same bed every night but Zayn kept all of his belongings in his part of the dorm. He walked in the door way—he hasn’t really gone in there in the last few months, since Zayn has been staying in the hospital, except to grab something Zayn had requested—and something about it freaks him out. He doesn’t want to be the one to go through all of his stuff when he’s gone but he knows he’ll have to. But for now he just smiles at the pictures of Zayn with his family and giggles at the one of the two of them at the fall fair last year—a month before the diagnosis. He sighs and sets the picture back down on his dresser before heading off to his bed.

            Zayn’s scent has long since worn off the pillow and he misses it. He hates this feeling. How come the boy he loves more than the moon has to be the boy with cancer? Love isn’t supposed to hurt this much. It’s not supposed to make him feel like he’s been punched in the gut repeatedly every single time he looks at Zayn’s frail body.

*

            Louis was there at ten o’clock on the dot just like every morning. Zayn’s really grateful for Louis. He can constantly make Zayn laugh and he’s always honest with him. He just makes Zayn feel like he can tell him anything. And today he brought Harry. Zayn hasn’t seen his curly headed idiot in a month now and he needs the dork to be around.

            “How’s my little Zaynie, huh?”

            “That is a very dumb question Haz.” Zayn smiles though and Harry knows it’s just good fun, “Wouldn’t expect a very sophisticated question from you anyways.” He sticks his tongue out and Harry laughs. Well, it’s more of a cackle. It fills Zayn’s heart up with joy. “How’s that stupid philosophy course going?”

            “I feel as though my mind has been opened and I’ve seen a whole new world of things.”

            “My boyfriend, the philosopher.” Louis teases pecking Harry on the cheek. Zayn suddenly becomes aware that Liam isn’t there. Maybe he’s caught a cold or something. Lou must’ve read it in his eyes—the longing for Liam. “He had class this morning. He’ll be here soon. He’s bringing Niall as well.”

            “Oh, right. Forgot what day it was.” It’s Wednesday—he thinks. That’s the day that Liam has Economics (Sociology?) in the morning. Maybe he’s losing it.

            “How do you really feel?” Harry asks after a soft silence. None of them really take his lies except for Liam; he’s clinging on to hope that Zayn really is feeling better.

            “Honestly?” they both nod and stare at him with sad eyes. “I feel like I should start saying goodbyes.” Harry clutches Louis’s hand in his and Louis shakes his hair out of his eyes.

            “You look exhausted.” Harry points out. And that’s how Zayn feels. Just tired. He wants to sleep. And to forget the aches all over his body. And stop going to chemo. And stop with the surgery. He just wants to give up. But he can’t because Liam.

            “What did the doctor say yesterday?” Louis asks quietly. They discussed his options. He could do an even more intense round of chemo or he could do another surgery.

            “They want me to do the surgery.” They being his family. It’s always his family. And Liam. They’re trying to keep him alive but it’s only making things worse. He won’t say anything though. He knows it’s only a matter of time so he should let them think that they’re making him better.

            “And what did the doctor say?”

            “The cancer has spread. Almost everywhere now.”

            “So it’s really not helping at all?” Harry asks.

            “No, not really.”

            “Zayn, I don’t think you should do it.”

            “I’m fucking dying either way Hazza!” it shut them all up and Zayn muttered an apology just before Liam and Niall came in.

            “Hey babe! How are you feeling today?” Liam asked as he kissed his lips gently.

            “Seven.” He knew he wasn’t very convincing but Liam smiled and kissed him again. Zayn felt much better when Liam was around, not a seven though. Maybe an eight rather than a nine. He was just happier and it took less effort to smile. Oh how he would miss Liam Payne. “I’m going to miss him.” Zayn declared when Liam had left the room to answer a phone call from Ruth.

            “Zayn, you can’t miss someone when you’re dead. You can watch him though.”

            “Yeah, scare the shit out of him as a ghost, ay?” Niall said chuckling low. Niall always seemed to be scared of Zayn. It was the first time he spoke up all day.

            “Well, I’m going to miss all you lads.”

            “Zaynie—“ Louis warned.

            “Please.” Zayn huffed out a sigh. “Please let me just say these things in case. While he’s not in here.” They hushed and he felt a little better. He took a deep breath before continuing. “You guys give up your day to day lives for me and even though I hate it—I really, really do hate it—it still means a lot to me that you’d do that just to visit the dying.” Harry goes to interrupt him but he holds out his hand to stop him. “If I don’t get this out now, Liam will come in and I won’t be able to finish. Trust me, you’ll want to know this when I’m gone.” The room goes completely silent and they all watch Zayn as he speaks slowly and softly. “I love you guys so much. All of you. Louis, you’re here every single fucking day at the same time and you will never let me down on that. You always know how to make me smile even on ‘nine’ days.” Louis smiles and holds Zayn’s left hand and Harry’s right. He knows it’s sort of like a ‘you’re welcome, you twat’ from Louis and the thought makes him smile a little wider before continuing. “Harry you’re a fucking idiot. But you have the soul of a goddamn eighty year old man and you’re such a dork. You kind of bring life into this place. You make it fun. And the girl in the room next to me has a crush on you—she was telling me during circle how cute you were—I told her you were taken though.”

            “The bald one who has the really brown eyes?” Zayn nods with a smirk. “Lou, I think we should, uh, see other people.” He jokes and Louis pokes his gut.

            “Wanker.” He mutters.

            “And Niall,” Niall perks up, probably not expecting Zayn to say anything to him since he hardly knows what to say or how to act when he visits, “your emails make me laugh every day. I especially enjoy reading the ones about Cher. Just stick it in her and get it over with.” Niall cackles and a proud smile crosses Zayn’s face for making Niall open up. “Look, you guys mean everything to me. And I want you to promise two things?” They all nod in agreement and Zayn swallows the lump in his throat. “One: please look after Liam. Don’t let him do anything stupid.” Nightmares flood Zayn’s sleep of Liam ending his own life once Zayn is gone. And he can’t even bare to think about that. “Please. And make sure to remind him that if he falls in love with someone else that it’s okay. It’s alright. I understand. And remind him that I love him and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me. And two: don’t stop hanging out. All those things about friends and families splitting apart after a loved one dies is bullshit. I need you guys to carry on with your lives. I just fucking need you to do that.” It’s silent as they wipe away their tears and Zayn remembers the last thing he wanted to say. It’s a bit selfish but he figures in this position, he’s allowed to be. “I thought of one more thing.” He says in barely a whisper. “Please don’t forget me.” He wipes his own fucking tears off his face just in time for Liam to come in.

            He knows something was up but he doesn’t ask. Probably for his own sake, honestly. He doesn’t like to cry in front of Zayn. So he kisses the tear stain on his cheek and nuzzles his head close to Zayn’s.

            Zayn feels happy here with them. He feels like if it happened now it’d be okay. Because he’s with his friends. And his family just showed up. He’s got Safaa next to him and Liam has him cradled in his arm as he thumb wrestles with his little sister. Everyone else is laughing and eating pizza and it all seems like a good moment to go.

            Everyone files out and Liam and his family are the only ones left. He asks his parents to give him and Liam a moment so they do and it’s just the two of them. Zayn gets lost in chubby cheeks and dough brown eyes and he smiles gently. Liam pulls him into a hug that wants to be strong but can’t or else he’d break Zayn.

            “I love you.” He whispers into Liam’s ear.

            “I love you.” Liam repeats because if he said ‘too’ it would seem like an obligation not a promise.

            “I always will.”

            “And so will I.”

            “Even after I’m gone?” Zayn wonders. Liam kisses his lips gently and looks down into Zayn’s curious eyes.

            “Every single day for the rest of my dull life.”

            “You’re life isn’t dull.”

            “It will be without you. You’re the spark.”

            “I love you.” Zayn says again because he can’t think straight and he wants to cry.

            “Good night, Zaynie. See you in the morning.” Liam kisses him again and throws his jacket on. “I love you.” He steals one last glance at Zayn before heading out the door making sure to remember every single detail of his beautiful face.

            Zayn tells his mum first. That he thinks it’ll be soon. And she cries and says that if he can just make it to the surgery he’ll be fine. But he just says he loves her and all of them. He asks them all to stay the night and they do. It’s good to have Safaa asleep next to him. She looks like a kitten. His sisters are telling him stories about his childhood and his mum brought old home videos. They laugh and he’s tired but he stays awake as late as he can.

*

            Liam drops his phone. He was picking up new movies for them to watch when he got the call. Aisle three. He was next to the fucking balloons and teddy bears and all the things Zayn would’ve bought Liam. Oh fuck. The screen is shattered but he couldn’t be bothered enough to care. He drops the stuff, grabs his phone, and books it out the door.

            He doesn’t even make it to the car before the hot tears are dripping down his cheeks. He saw him ten hours ago. Ten. He was smiling. And laughing. He was Zayn. And now he’s fucking gone.

            He calls Louis and through sobs he gets the message across. They start showing up slowly. People come in and out of room 705 where there is no Zayn but an empty bed with a bunch of comic books lying on the bedside table and the stupid stuffed dog Liam won Zayn in a crane machine.

*

            Liam is asked to make a speech at the funeral. He’s in his nice suit and he kneels down in front of the casket.

            “I don’t know what I’m going to say yet. I guess I should’ve prepared a speech or something. Why the fuck did you tell them to make me speak you idiot?” He laughs at himself because Zayn would’ve laughed so he should too. His eyes feel too dry but he’s sure he’ll cry again soon. It’s really hard to even look at Zayn so stiff. He just wants to see his eyes one last time. “I promised you that I’ll love you forever. Never letting go of that.”

            “Liam,” Zayn’s mum says as she places a hand on his shoulder, “are you ready?”

            “Yeah, just one more minute please?” She nods in a way that makes him feel like he can do it and she takes her seat. “Help me out up there. You know I can’t speak in front of audiences.” He pushes a light kiss to Zayn’s cold lips and puts the picture of them at the fall carnival in the casket. “I love you Zayn Malik.”

            He takes a deep breath before walking up to the podium. He finds Louis in the crown of people here to say goodbye to Zayn. He’s giving him a thumbs up and wiping his eyes so nobody will see him cry— _it’s okay to cry_  Liam remembers as Zayn always told him. “Young love,” Liam starts slowly. He can feel his palms sweating and his heart beating but he wills himself to go on, “is supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be reckless. It’s supposed to fun and stupid and cheesy. It’s supposed to be all those things. It should be simple. Mine and Zayn’s love—it wasn’t. Our love was hard and gentle and full of tears and goodbyes in case we didn’t see each other again. Love shouldn’t be as hard as ours was. But that’s how Zayn and I were and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. He’s the strongest pers-“ he stops because his voice cracked and he can feel the tears falling and he can’t think of words to say. But he can think of lyrics. The lyrics that were on the radio this morning on the way here. The song that had him sitting in his car for twenty extra minutes to try and make his face less red and puffy. “I’m just—I’m gonna sing because Zayn liked when I sang. It made him smile. And he really had a beautiful smile and I hope everyone remembers him like that.”

            He takes a breath and pulls the microphone from the podium and tries to make sure he knows all the words before he starts singing.

_May the good lord be with you_

_Down every road you roam_

_And may sunshine and happiness_

_Surround you when you’re far from home_

_And may you grow to be proud_

_Dignified and true_

            Zayn was the most honest and true person he’s ever met. He never pretended to be something he wasn’t. He was shit at sports and dancing. He loved to draw and read and play music. And he was so easy to make smile.

_And do unto others_

_As you’d have done to you_

_Be courageous and be brave_

_And in my heart you’ll always stay_

_Forever young, forever young_

_Forever young, forever young_

            Going through all of this at his age—it’s something unimaginable. And Zayn did it. He hardly complained. He was strong. And the bravest person Liam had ever met. And he never acted too mature. And he will always be forever young.

_May good fortune be with you_

_May your guiding light be strong_

_Build a stairway to heaven_

_With a prince or a vagabond_

_And may you never love in vain_

_And in my heart you’ll always remain_

_Forever young, forever young_

_Forever young, forever young_

_Forever young_

_Forever young_

            Liam’s finding it easier to sing. His voice isn’t even breaking with the tears. He’s just singing and hoping Zayn can hear him wherever he is.  _I love you Zaynie._

_And when you finally fly away_

_I’ll be hoping that I served you well_

_For all the wisdom of a lifetime_

_No one can ever tell_

            He’s gone. But there’s no more pain. Liam finally took his place. His heart aches like Zayn’s whole body has.  _I hope you knew how much I love you._

_But whatever road you choose_

_I’m right behind you, win or lose_

_Forever young, forever young_

_Forever young, forever young_

_Forever young, forever young_

_For, forever young, forever young_

            He’s done singing and everyone around him is crying. He chokes out a thank you and hugs Zayn’s sister on the way back to his seat.

*

            “He wrote you something.” Louis says before he’s leaving Liam’s flat. It’s been a week since and he figures now would be a good time. He thinks he can handle it now.

            “What?”

            “He wrote you something.” Louis repeats pulling the crinkled paper from his wallet. “He told me to wait until I thought you were ready.”

            “Wh-when?”

            “He gave it to me the night before.”

            “He knew.” Liam deadpans. Louis nods and kisses Liam’s cheek before shutting the door.

            Liam lies himself across his bed as he unfolds the paper to reveal Zayn’s messy handwriting.

             _I’m sorry._

 _I know that’s a shit way to start off a letter but in my defense, I’m tired and haven’t been to class in a year. But I am sorry. For fucking up the beginning of your adult life. I know what you’re thinking. In fact I can hear your stern voice saying it right now ‘don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. You’re okay. I love you.’ and I love you too and it is my fault. Maybe not the cancer part but I shouldn’t be so irresistible—maybe then you could leave me._ Liam laughs at the paper. He’s such a doofus. _I just wanted to write this so that you could have something to hold onto or whatever. I don’t know. When my granddad died, I just wanted something from him to me to hold onto. I just want you to know that I love you. I wouldn’t have made it a month with this fucking cancer if it weren’t for you. I would’ve given up. I’m begging you not to do anything stupid. Your life is still ahead of you. Live it for both of us. Check on the family and the boys. Tell them I love them. Tell Safaa to do her homework and the girls not to focus on boys and just love them. Be their big brother. Tell the lads to never stop laughing. Punch Harry in the chest for me because he’s a dork. Pull pranks on Louis. Good ones, too. None of the fucking plastic wrap on the toilet bullshit. And tell Niall that I figured out the answer to his question. Nialler, bad things happen to good people because life is unfair. But I think we’re better off not knowing the answer. I think it’s best if we just accept it. I don’t mind dying if it means all of you get to live. I love you Liam Payne. For forever. Thank you for sticking around. Thanks for loving me even when I was sick. Thanks for being you. Thank you for not crying in front of me even if you wanted to. Thank you. For everything. Sorry you have to speak at my funeral. I think you’re best suited for it. Hah, get it? Suited. Because you’re in a suit. I love you. Don’t forget me. This is my ten.  –Z_

            “I love you Zayn Malik.”

**Author's Note:**

> please send feedback and you can follow me on tumblr at ohbullship x


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